There was none of the nerves or anxiety on the morning of the 23rd, none at all, as if the night before had absolved every worry of the weekend, and I spent over an hour on Skype with my beloved UnsraW warrior-in-arms back home, consuming the only dinner worthy of the last live.
I gathered the essentials, pulled on my Last Live tour shirt, applied none but the most essential of makeup (because let's be honest, with crazy crowds and a band with a fondness for upending water over everyone, is there really much point?), excitement and reawdiness building. And then the time came round to hang up Skype and leave, but ... I just couldn't be bothered. And I told my warrior-in-arms that I could stay around for a few more minutes but those minutes came and went, leaving me no closer to leaving and all the closer to being late. I didn't feel like being in any rush though. And then I stopped long enough to notice my fingers trembling in a way that had nothing to do with the caffeinated breakfast I had just consumed. I wasn't being lazy - I was nervous after all. Eventually and grudgingly I hung up, got my faithful gigging boots on painfully slowly, and left reluctantly. Heading to the station my nerves were turning into mild panic as I realised that when I got there I wouldn't have Crimson this time, and I wouldn't have my gig buddy who I first saw them with, and that in essence I was doing this entirely alone. I didn't have my MP3 player with me and my chest began to hurt in anxiety, and I sent a mail to maybe the only friend who would understand.
There was no reply, and I headed to the venue like it was a death sentence.
Thanks to arriving only a few minutes before doors, and being #101, there were plenty of people around to distract me, along with new flowers that had been arranged for drummer Shou's birthday just two days after the show!
Kita, Peachy and MelJay arrived just minutes after myself, and despite initial banter I was somewhat glad to see a little of my own anxiety reflected in the other three. Speaking with Kita inside the venue I discovered that we had gone through the same process - the first night was brilliant, even with its abrupt ending, and up until the hours before we had been totally at ease for this last live. It had only been recently that it had all come undone for both of us. Peachy and MelJay finally joined us and I withdrew a little to try to at least restore my heartrate to something respectable. The venue was filling up much more this time - eventually to a point where the doors couldn't close, and with a lot more men tonight too - but we had noticed the strangest thing to our right. We were stood rows strong in the centre, but in front of Madoka there were two rows of fans at the front, and then no one for three rows until the crowd started to build again - it was like there was an invisible pocket of people stood there leaving what seemed to be a complete void in the middle! But at the end of this void, against the wall, was stood a very old couple, suited and booted, looking 100% out of place and yet 100% unquestionable - there is no doubt in my mind that they were parents, whose I don't know but definitely parents. As stupid as it was I could only bow upon accidentally making eye contact, and the gentleman nodded back with a small tense smile but a tiny twinkle in his eye nonetheless. Whoever they were, I hope they enjoyed the show (and I hope they knew what to expect being so close to the stage!)
The clock ticked around to 7 and it was like the crowd all held a collective breath ... as nothing happened. The curtain drawn across the stage didn't open, the spinning lights overhead didn't go down, and too afraid to say anything people looked around at one another, either smiling tight reassuring smiles or frowning in silent confusion.
Five minutes passed and there was nothing.
Ten minutes passed.
At the fifteen minute mark I was discussing the etiquette of shouting or chanting, because all I wanted to do was break the silence, to bring everyone together, to remind the five men backstage that "Hey, we're here and we -need- you right now, before we possibly go mad and start fighting eachother" (and for the record, not shouting out is the one regret I have from this show).
We decided that they were drinking milkshake and finishing a tough game of Monopoly.
Restless, anxious and entirely too ready to start calling their names, it was twenty past when the lights finally went down, and everyone surged to the front. Now, you remember the empty rows in front of Madoka? Even in this opening rush this giant gap remained, and I was faced with a difficult decision - stay in the crush, with limited visibility and someone's elbow in my ribs, or take a single step to the right and be in second row?
Difficult indeed. In taking this side-step I was not only at the rail, not only next to the Crazy Saizen Girl from the night before (haha) and not only directly in front of Madoka, but I was also EXACTLY where I was when they played back in London, the show that will forever for me be the best live show imaginable. It was all too perfect, just too perfect.
Flames spelling "Gate of Birth" were projected onto the curtain letter by letter, and, setting the tone for the night, the intro of Gate of Death began to play. It is the most unusual and yet in this case the most fitting song to start a set with, and amid the screaming and pushing it began to really hit. This is it. Everything they do now will be the last time they do it. It will be the last time we see it.
"Remember this, give it your all, don't back down,"
～Main Show～
00.Opening SE
01.Gate of Death
02.Maria
03.under the skin
04.BREATH
05.Nightmare
06.ALIVE
07.IN THE FACT
08.WITHERING BLOOD
09.-509-
10.BEGINNING OF LOOP
11.LUST
12.腐現
13.Drum Solo
14.Rhythm Session～SEVEN
15.STARVING MOON
16.Dust To Dust
17.DRAIN
18.Social Faker
19.廻黙に照らされた夢は涙に枯れて
～Encore1～
01.休眠-おやすみ-
02.空
03.艶蝕の夢
～Encore2～
00.end of finale
01.-9-
02.嗤い鬼
The curtain opened midway through the song to reveal the band just as we had seen them the night before, each of them in their final costumes, Shou with slightly different hair and Madoka with his fishnet mask across his eyes but otherwise identical. This time however Yuuki was different. As he stood tall and looked across everyone in the crowd he seemed more composed somehow, more together, and it was equal parts entrancing and foreboding.
It was only that morning on Skype that I was mourning how they never played Maria, a firm contender for top spot in my UnsraW Top 5, and so it was like a dream come true when they powered into it after the solemn ending of Gate of Death. Yuuki's rediscovered composure seemed to be holding as the set continued, vocals just as spot on as they had been the previous night, screams just as powerful, but significantly less damning of the mic stand, much less collapsing to the floor, much less lashing out at Shou's riser. This doesn't mean that it was any less intense however, as all of the violence and aggression in his actions the last night had transformed into something less visible but more powerful; his screams were enraged, his gestures at some invisible enemy were nothing short of intimidating, his eyes as he glared at everyone in that audience, even through ice-white contacts, were pure fury.
We had him back.
It took a couple of seconds for the opening bars of Nightmare to register in my head as I really didn't expect them to play it - it is one of my favourite tracks post-hiatus and I still think it does a great job of showcasing so much that that band can do. Go, take a listen!
The crowd was just as loud as the night before during IN THE FACT, but Yuuki didn't give in this time and kept singing too, didn't let us overwhelm him. It really seemed like he was facing up to this as his last live too, that he was going to live up to his word and not let anything pass him by.
The triple-threat of IN THE FACT, -509- and WITHERING BLOOD was the same as the night before, but this time was followed by the novelty of LUST which very few of us expected, and it was spot-on live (even if shot through with pockets of insanity returning in our precious singer).
After mellowing out again to 腐現 (fugen) the band left the stage, but shortly thereafter Shou returned. I expected him to be followewed byt he other instrumentalists but no, he was all alone, which could only mean one thing. He sat behind his kit and had some fun with us, hitting the drums and making us call out to him over and over, and he had a quick little chat with us too. Just like before, the man was just the personification of rainbows and puppies he really was. But despite being all laughs and smiles he seemed to struggle to find anything decent tod say, brief attempts punctuated with nervous laughter. Possibly his saving grace was when - midway through a sentence - the phone at the side of the stage started to ring. The crowd's attention was shocked and many of us stifled little giggles, but Shou took it as the sign he needed, and after getting us back with a few more call-responses he burst into the most fantastic drum solo I have seen for a long time.
This is what he came out with in 2007:
And let me say that now, five years later, he is just faster, more powerful, overall just so impressive. We were left to marvel at the man's talent as we clapped along in time, reminded that as much as Yuuki is the face of this band Shou had always been the backbone, even before UnsraW, as far back as the university-born band of 2004 that paved the way for the UnsraW we were presented with now.
As we cheered, I didn't want to say "AWESOME!" as much as I wanted to say "Thank you,".
Madoka, Tetsu and Jin returned as the solo finished, and we were once more graced with SEVEN from the night before. People clapped, people headbanged, it is simply a great track. And when Yuuki returned to complete the five-piece we once again expected a greeting, some shouts, some riling from the frontman. But again, not this time. The band continued with STARVING MOON and a rendition of Dust To Dust just as energetic as before, and closed the set with the seminal 廻黙に照らされた夢は涙に枯れて (Mawari dama ni terasa reta yume wa namida ni karete). This song, even more than warai oni, is the ultimate UnsraW encore song for me, and it means the world to me. Despite my love for it I had only ever heard the original pre-UnsraW recording, and hadn't heard UnsraW's recording until maybe a week before the live! Crazy! I couldn't believe they hadn't played it the night before, and I was so overwhelmed that they did it this night.
There was hesitation, maybe even some kind of reluctance in our encore calls this time. Where the night before they had started the second the band left the stage, this time whole seconds passed before the first voices raised themselves up. I think that we all knew that an encore represents the end of a show, and this wasn't just any show, was it?
We weren't calling for very long, and the band walked back onstage to take their places for the infamous 休眠-おやすみ- (kyuumin-oyasumi-), widely known as one of the saddest songs in the history of the world ever. It should have been a given, but I really wasn't sure if they would play it ... and it was just as tragic as I thought it would be. Yuuki sang with his arms out, reaching desperately up to someone, biting into his lip until it bled, singing -flawlessly- - again, his voice was completely perfect in a way that I never expected. Of course he sang lower at the end than higher, but the song was just ... mesmerising. 休眠-おやすみ- led into 空 (sora) and 艶蝕の夢 (enshoku no yume), putting the whole crowd into a sort of suspended animation for three whole tracks, no space or will to cheer or scream. But then, when the band left, voices filled the hall louder than Yuuki ever could.
We all called for a second encore from the second they left the stage and we didn't stop, and rather than calling the token "EN-CO-RE!" we all called "UNSRAW!". Over and over and over, non-stop, no quitting and no going quiet, because ... well, we knew. They knew. Everyone there knew exactly what this was, our last chance to make demands from them and their last chance to have themselves heard. And they made us wait this time, BOY did they make us wait. But we still didn't stop, prepared to go on until our voices died out. UnsraW! UnsraW! UnsraW! Until the opening sounds of end of finale began to play, the perfect track to bring them back onstage once last time. And this time, we knew it was it. This was it. They all came out in their tour shirts bar Yuuki who was in full costume, and when he came out he gestured to each bandmember in turn, demanding well-deserved cheers for each one. Well done to you, guys.
end of finale led into a brilliant blaze-of-glory -9-, in which Yuuki sang the wonderful B-melody that I am such a big fan of. And it was during -9- that I was met with one of the sights that I know I won't forget, even if I want to.
Throughout these two shows, Yuuki had said nothing to us and had showed nothing of what he was feeling, sans the violence inflicted upon the stage equipment. He poured his all into the characters of his songs so we didn't see anything of -him-, but during -9-, for a tiny and fleeting moment at the side of his stage, expression crossed his face that was so terribly TERRIBLY sad ... it was an expression that said, quite clearly, "I don't want to be doing this". And it was brief, there one second gone the next, but I will never forget the regret etched so deeply into his half-masked face, not that he didn't want to be onstage but that he didn't want this to be the last time. And I was reminded that the closing of UnsraW, the end of their activities, were at least for him born of necessity and not want. Suddenly his anger of the night before, his fury of today, it all made sense. And the futility of it was dreadful, that there was nothing anyone could do to make everything better, that all we could do between the hundreds of us on the floor and five onstage was give it our all until we dropped ... and so that is exactly what we did, making that silent pledge as the intro to 嗤い鬼 (warai oni) filled the room one last time.
Any of you play Silent Hill? The siren that goes off when things are gonna get serious? That was like the intro to warai oni at that moment.
It was entirely different from the night before, where Yuuki merely leaned into the crowd, when Madoka held the mic and did nothing about it. The band were everywhere in an instant, as were we. My ribs were entirely decimated against the rail but by this point I just couldn't care less, caught up as I was in Madoka and Tetsu switching places, Jin visiting the front of the crowd, Yuuki watching us as he sang. Everyone's distraction was the perfect cover for Yuuki's one moment of weakness however, as after just the second repeat the big guy wandered back by the drumkit with his face buried in his arm, turned away entirely from the crowd. Very shortly after he moved behind the amp alongside Shou's kit and stayed there for a while, just crouched on the floor out of most sight with his head bowed to his elbows. It had to happen at some point, and in a moment of bizarre clarity I figured that he left the front of the stage because he wanted to hide for a little, so I tore my eyes off the poor bastard and tried to catch up with what was onstage. It was only a minute later that Yuuki returned to make the scenery a little crazier ... with cups of good ol' fake blood.
Fuck you Yuuki, you brilliant, hilarious, BRILLIANT man. Not content with upending a whole cup over himself he also emptied some into the crowd, shortly followed by his trademark dousings of water. Now things were really heating up.
The band were all devils to eachother, especially Jin to the other members, as he would approach them, tap them, lean in to whisper something and then spit a whole mouthful of water directly into their faces (and in the case of Tetsu, return later to -literally- point and laugh - indeed Tetsu blogged days later about his ears still being water-logged). Jin was also possibly the only person in the world who would go for Yuuki, as - seeing how he seemed unresponsive to the "tap-and-whisper" tactic - Jin instead just spat his water at the back of the guy's head! Jin ended up in the crowd a few times, Yuuki was in the crowd many times (at one point getting himself from shimote to the middle again, just surfing across people), Madoka took Tetsu's guitar but timid lil' Tetsu wasn't keen so just hassled people. And Madoka?? He probably spent more of warai oni in the crowd than onstage, and at one point which I desperately hope is going to be on the DVD he dived at us rather than on us, taking out yours truly and many in the vicinity. Madoka, you are a full grown man, traveling at speed. Without height we're not going to catch you! Meanwhile Yuuki was causing havoc with fire extinguishers reminiscent of the Screaming Birthday DVD, which made it even harder to keep up with the chaos - you would be blinded by a wall of white fog, and by the time it cleared you would have a completely different band member in front of you/on the crate/on your head. Chaos!
I couldn't honestly tell you if 嗤い鬼 went on for five minutes or fifty, but all good things, good songs and good bands must come to an end. This end was marked by the most perfect metaphor anyone could have come up with, which I can only think of as the ultimate deconstruction. Yuuki - already having had shed his coat - stood up at the front on the crate and ripped his mask off, throwing it into the crowd. Pretty cool Yuuki. But it didn't end there. He proceeded to pull off his trademark fake lashes and cast those aside too, and he tugged at his hair, pulled it down, flattening it out as best he could. With an UnsraW towel he scrubbed at his face, got rid first of the blood and then of the makeup, and for the longest time he stood tall, arms up, the towel held high above his head as he stared wildly at everyone, no makeup, no glamour. warai oni continued, the carnage in the crowd continued, forcing disconnect between your mind - watching Yuuki - and your body - being decimated by wave after wave of the same refrain. Eventually he rested the towel over his face and stood still while the others played around him, and so by the end of it, before the song finished and he collapsed to the crate, to his knees, to the floor in front of the drumkit, he was ... just ... ordinary Yuuki, the Yuuki he was before the lashes and the lipstick and before UnsraW.
The song finally finished and he stayed lying down at the bottom of Shou's kit for a long time. The other members wandered the front of the stage a bit, grabbed some hands, threw some picks (one of Madoka's hitting me in the eye, thanks for that, mate). Shou finally half-ventured into the crowd. Yuuki finally stood up and hassled some people, and Madoka, Tetsu and Shou hung back together in a straight line on the right of the stage, watching him. Madoka was on the verge of tears. Jin, still in his corner, was turned away from the crowd with his hands over his face, and I'm pretty sure he was crying too. For the longest time Madoka, Tetsu and Shou hovered awkwardly, sometimes grinning, sometimes smiling, sometimes mumbling to eachother, sometimes looking at the crowd, sometimes watching their frontman, until eventually with small bows to the crowd they left silently, crept away. Jin followed shortly after in the same manner, no big hurrahs, just leaving the stage quickly while Yuuki continued to say his own wordless goodbyes. His face without makeup was so shockingly different. In these final goodbyes he no longer had any of the fury of when he sang, or any of the sorrow or regret of 休眠-おやすみ- and -9-. I can't say he was peaceful, but he had definitely made his peace as best he could. In the end he ripped his shirt off entirely and left, and a new piano version of 休眠-おやすみ- began to play to finish the show.
(this was a secret track on a release from CoЯe the Child, the band before UnsraW, which features the 休眠-おやすみ- melody - it's the best I could do)
With no one onstage the crowd was left to their own devices, and while 休眠-おやすみ- played out people just stood there and cried. Holding onto the bar with one hand I was in too much shock to cry at first, too much shock and gratitude, too much everything really. Marvel at what I had seen, the terrible sinking feeling that I would never experience a show that amazing again, the realisation that once I got out of the livehouse every bit of damage that the show had inflicted upon me would hit threefold. I looked up and the girl to my left was by herself, surrounded by friends who had collapsed on eachother, who were hugging eachother and crying together. She was trying not to cry there by herself, and with a little smile I took her hand, and told her simply, "Me too,". And she broke down and held on tightly, and I decided to take advantage of just where I was. Yuuki wanted UnsraW closed, wanted this done with, and while the last part of the song played out I thought back to the amazing memories I had with that band, that band that had done so god damn much for me, that had shown me some of the best live performances I had ever seen and who represented a whole shitton of important things for so many people.
Voices were raised again, but not "ENCORE!" this time, and not "UNSRAW!". Instead people were shouting thank yous, thank yous to Yuuki, thank yous to the band. Breaking into a grin I shouted my thanks too, and shook the hand that was holding onto mine in encouragement. The girl next to me tried a smile too, and she shouted, but her voice gave out and so we just laughed together, counted to three and shouted once more as one. And as the piano wound to a sad, quiet close we all began to disperse. Without even caring for names the girl alongside me and I shared thank yous and take cares, and I reunited with Kita, Peachy and MelJay in an emotional little ball. We stayed together for a while, jokes were shared, observations notes, bonding a massive amount in a tiny space of time before we left to go our seperate ways.
And thankfully I didn't start crying until I was halfway home.
It was an amazing show, and just what it needed to be. No overemotional and awkward speeches, no ridiculous melodrama, just ... just a bloody good live. And as frustrating as it may be, it's also quite nice knowing that no live I ever see will surpass those of this band. The gratitude I have to them is greater than the sorrow of losing them.
There is no signal in EDGE, and so I only started getting mails and messages on the train home, and it seems that the friend I mailed at the start of the day had replied a couple of hours prior:
"Don't be scared.
You need this, and you need to go through this with just you and your feelings for the band.
This is how you started, this is how you go out.
It will be brilliant."
It was.
★★★★★
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